Overthinking, scared and not sure what to do…

I didn’t think I would write another post until later on but my mind is just spinning so thought I would write and write and write and hope my head can calm down.

So tomorrow is quite a big day for us. We are seeing the consultant and we are hoping that our test results are back, we know a few of them will be but the genetics one may not. We will also find out the next course of action whether its a muscle biopsy, MRI or just plain waiting.

I don’t think I can cope with any more waiting. I know everyday BBG is getting stronger the movements and physical development is just amazing… but you can still see the development delay.

Everyone keeps saying, we may never know the cause of the hypotonia that she may just have weak muscles and be floppy…. I don’t know whether that diagnosis is better or worse then it being an actual condition. I don’t really know what to think at the moment.

I guess I just needed to say I am petrified, petrified of what tomorrow can bring. Although no matter what we will love BBG just the same the thought of her future having difficulties just isn’t fair. All I want to do is sit in a ball, eat chocolate, cry, scream and run away from this situation. I keep daydreaming of just running, running and running and running. Running from home, running from the chaos of emotions, running from the madness of the hospital appointments, physiotherapy, appointments for MO, appointments for me. I want to run to the end of the world and not look back, run to a place where there are no appointments, no worrying about having to go back to work, no worrying about BBGs future, about MO coping with all his problems, no worrying about how all this is affecting BG and SB. Just going to a happy place. I guess there is such a place, a place where people smile and mean it, where I don’t blame myself for all my kids problems…

I better go as I am now rambling about what ifs. Some days I can shove these thoughts into the deepest darkest part of my brain but today I can’t. Today all I am thinking is the worst.

I will leave on a positive note though, I had a fortune cookie while writing this ramble and it said, ”you will be showered with good luck” who knows maybe it was just what I needed to hear at this precise moment.

 

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