So I wasn’t going to post this, I have had it written for about a month. Then decided I’ve just got to share this, with anxiety and depression you get this over whelming sense of guilt and this is one of those instances.
I am very fortunate that I fall pregnant easily, in fact I swear dad just looks at me and I’m pregnant. However this doesn’t mean I stay pregnant. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve taken a pregnancy tests and found it positive and then a couple of days later it is no more.
We don’t make it public knowledge as we try not to dwell on it and I personally (not dad) feel guilty, that I must have done something to cause it, so that I miscarry so often.
There were 2 miscarriages I often think about though.
One that dad and I got excited about. The test came back positive, we were super excited but decided to keep quiet until the first scan. We eagerly awaited the appointment dates we even called it pea. I got too excited and went to Mothercare and brought a pair of ladybird booties. 2 days later I woke up in pain and pea had gone. We were devastated. We kept a pea a secret and just got on with life.
The second one was before BBG. I was told my body couldn’t withstand another pregnancy that even if I got pregnant it would never be a viable pregnancy. Even though our family was complete it wasn’t easy to hear that’s it, no more mini me’s. I had just got my head around it when 2 months later I found even with protection I was pregnant. I knew I shouldn’t have been excited, but I couldn’t help it. Needless to say 4 weeks later I bled a lot at my work, I got a taxi home and just told everyone it was a cyst, it was easier then saying i had miscarried, I took a couple of days off, dusted myself off and carried on as if nothing happened.
Christmas 2015 I got a positive test. After what had happened before I didn’t get excited, I knew what would happen the doctor had been clear and so far he hasn’t been wrong. However we got to 12 weeks and everything was going smoothly, in fact we started to buy small things, one thing was a rainbow vest for our rainbow baby. Deep down i still thought it would end horribly but at 24 weeks it was all going lovely I felt the baby move. At 30 weeks we decided it was safe to get properly excited and buy the Pram and big things. I never actually felt BBG kick, I felt her move but not kick it was strange but the hospital were never worried so I wasn’t. Finally at 37 weeks due to my depression and anxiety of my baby not making it my dr agreed to an induction. Our baby girl was born!
Now I look at BBG and her problems and wonder whether I made her not strong? Did my depression and anxiety somehow harm her? It’s a cycle of endless questions about whether I am to blame for her development delay and I will think that until the day I die. When I am on these cycles I think back and wonder what if, what if the other pregnancies lasted? What would our family be like if our babies made it? It’s a horrible cycle and one that I tend to do by myself.
I find miscarriage is such a strange subject one where some people suffer in silence and some openly tell their story but I wonder whether other people think about their miscarriages and do the same what ifs whether they tell people about their miscarriages or deal with them quietly? Whether people look at their rainbow babies and if they have delays or conditions whether they blame themselves. At the end of the day deep down I know I didn’t but I can’t shake off the feeling I am the reason for BBGs problems. That I am the reason all our babies didn’t make it….
I think people don’t realise we’ve had heart ache, I think they look at us and think we get babies easily but in reality we have had heart breaks I am so thankful for my 4 babies but I do wonder about the others. At the end of the day I hope writing this will give me a sense of relief I need maybe getting it in the open will help, who knows all I do know is when life gives you lemons make some lemonade and that’s what I’m going to do with my 4 beautiful kiddies they throw challenges at us left, right and centre but we will knock these challenges down and carry on better then ever.
Depression and anxiety can do one, especially when it makes me feel horrible and guilty about things I can’t help.