So this last few days have been a mixture of ups and downs. I finally got signed off of the perinatal emotional wellbeing service (WOOOO)!! But MO has slowly been winding himself up.
This week he was given a calm down jar at school, he has a tray with various ones in that he can choose from and he says it really helps. He is allowed to bring one home a day and he uses them here. I set him a goal to not be put on time out for a day at school and he did so well. He managed to do it within 3 days!!! However his obsession with patting BBGs head and frustration was massive that night, he went out of control that on the way home from school he nearly went running straight into the road.

The change of routine back to school has been hard anyway. I know it’s not his fault but his behaviour is like a rollercoaster he is either absolutely calm or flying of the walls and hurting people. I am exhausted from his behaviour, exhausted from not knowing what’s going to set him off next. Yesterday dad went out for the afternoon and within 10minuts MO was crazy, it got so bad I had to put the others upstairs away from him. I know when he is like that trying to calm him down makes him worse, so I went and made pudding for today. After about 20minutes he calmed down enough for me to find out what set him off and it was something so small. I love MO I love all of him, but I am exhausted, I am exhausted of worrying about what tiny thing will send him off again. At the moment with the routine of being back at school, some of his tics are worse then usual, the grabbing his sister, the OCD but the one I struggle with is the literal side, it’s tiring making sure you say everything just right as he gets confused, little things like saying stop playing with your belly button, he rightly said it was not a button and questioned why I had said it, thankfully he took my answer and was ok with it but sometimes conversations go on and on and on and saying because someone said it is doesn’t work.

We did have some good times though, we downloaded unravel on the Xbox and he loves this, he will happily play this for his hour screen time a day and in 4 hours has reached level 5! The logically brain he has is such a blessing.

This is a picture MO asked for us to take as he had just recited the 4x table perfectly up to 10. He won’t do it again but that’s fine.

As for BBG, she was weighed this week and is 13lb6! Such a tiny thing for just over 6 months but that’s fine that’s our girl 🙂  the health visitor also confirmed we really need to look at BBG rearward facing in the car for as long as possible so we have started to research cars that have captain seats in the back, wow they seem tonne expensive so a lot of saving to do and fundraising. We are also starting to look at our rental property and realise we will need to do adaptations soon but our landlord can and may say no! Taking the village we live in finding a house large enough for us with a landlord willing for adaptations scares me as the odds aren’t great. It’s one reason buying a house would be ideal but we know that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. So lots of big costs in the future and it’s started to really weigh heavily on my shoulders. It worries me and everyone keeps saying it will be fine, I keep biting my tongue but all I want to say is, ‘show me how?’
We did eventually go to sea life this week but with SB and BBG while the others were at school. BBG was mesmerised by the shark tunnel. It was amazing, she was having a bad day, one of those days where she doesn’t move and we were in the shark tunnel and her eyes were just following the fish she loved it. To anyone else she probably wasn’t having a good time she wasn’t smiling or moving but to us we saw the joy. SB enjoyed sea life so much especially the newest additions!


Looking around at the fish!

Dad and I also went for afternoon tea. Just a little treat to say congratulations we made it through half term (which seems like years ago not last week) and as our date day. Looking out on to the Thames eating cake… what more do you want!

Overall nothing big has happened it just seems to be lots of little things that’s have just got on top of me. I am just deflated. Hopefully this week will be better but who knows. It’s just horrible feeling like this and not knowing why or how to snap out of it. I even went for a lovely walk in the woods with my mum and the kiddies and that didn’t even lift me! Maybe it’s just that I’m tired of all the stress and anxiety and the false smiles and nods that everything is fine… I really don’t know 😦


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