The darkness is looming

I seem to be having really good days and then really low points in my day. I know it’s my depression but it is something I am really struggling with.

I seem to wind myself up so much that the slightest thing can bring me to a point of just wanting to walk out the door.

Little things that I used to be able to cope with seem like they are weighing down on me. I have started to let dad do the washing, this is something even in my darkest depths I’ve always been able to do. I have lost my appetite,little things are winding me up when they never used to. I have started to slowly retreat from talking to Dad as I just don’t want to, I find it hard to talk to him, this is winding him up but I just can’t at the moment. There’s no reason, internally I’m screaming at my self to talk to him but my depression stamps on my tongue so I can’t.

This dark unspoken cloud is consuming me. I know I am not me, I know I want to get out but every time I try and find my way out it gets heavier and heavier, it is starting to choke me and weigh me down. I just need to come out of it but I can’t seem to do it.

I need help but at the end of the day I also need me to understand why this depression gets so strong sometimes! If I can’t figure that out then I won’t know how to stop these phases from happening. Don’t get me wrong I am always depressed but sometimes it goes from a manageable depression that I can keep ticking over, that doesn’t really affect my life drastically and swings right round to it affects everything in my life and I am not me and I am not able to do normal everyday things.

Maybe I am just stressing at everything, maybe it’s my body and mind saying I am stressed with everything going on, that it’s not the depression it’s just a mask of me not coping with BBG being ill, being tired from the constant battle to make sure MO’s world is safe and understandable.

Maybe I am just tired so my depression that is always lurking, that’s always there waiting to pounce when I’m weak, has decided to come out and drag me further into the pit of not coping.

This ramble seems to really be a ramble, it really isn’t a blog post but at the same time I started this blog to get things off my chest. So here’s everything on my chest in words, here’s all my confusion and struggle in a blog. I am just really struggling at the moment and I don’t know what to do, however writing it has helped get it out my mind.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the Croods that really helps me explain depression

We weren’t living, we were just not dying

Pretty much sums it up

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