This week I have been feeling rather down, rather glummy. Feeling like nothing can go right.
For the last couple of weeks I guess everything has been going wrong to a degree. However Tuesday we had some positive news and this really helped. However why is it after a really big boost the world goes ‘oooo no don’t you get used to it!’ And the world throws poop at you.
On Tuesday a long with the good news, the positive vibe that came from talking to SBs school come September. The positive feeling of just feeling like your on cloud nine, just because everything is going right in the world. We also had negative news.
We had our regular special educational needs meeting with MOs teacher and special needs coordinator. We have to meet up regularly and the meeting pretty much goes the same every time. ‘What’s our goals?’ ‘What are the positive things that have happened?’ ‘What can we improve on?’. The meeting takes an hour and I can either leave feeling positive about it all or negative.
After researching help for the autistic past school age and seeing that there really isn’t much out there, I have really panicked. It has taken us so long to teach him general social skills that most children just get over their life. If you had told me 10 years ago I’d be teaching our boy how to work out emotions and why people are feeling a certain way. That in his 51/2 years of life I’ve only slept a whole undisturbed night 4 maybe 5 nights as he keeps me up. That caffeine is the only way I make it through the day, I would have laughed, but knowing how long bog standard social skills have taken us to achieve I am worried about how we are going to fit teaching him how to survive in the adult world into the next 13 years of his life! So this meeting was the first time I said for certain we need him functioning by the time his 18 I’m scared.
It then transpired that while MOs normal teacher was away, the substitute teacher made sure MO was always at the front of the lines, and now to make him not front of the line is extremely difficult, that he now thinks he is in charge of the line. Such a small thing, but a behaviour we spoke for awhile about, how can we break the pattern, what will his behaviour do, what do we do to make sure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again. This just isn’t the sort of things you ever expect to have to discuss with the teachers when your pregnant and imagining what life would be like for the little baby in your tummy, it just made my fears even more rational.
We also spoke about triumphs, the fact there was an incident where before MO would have had a full blown meltdown but this time he just clenched his fists and went into his quiet corner to calm and relax himself, then he managed to come back out and carry on playing. My eyes filled up with tears at this point my boy was able to calm himself. It was lovely to hear.
We came away knowing the school is doing its best.
Then yesterday I broke down as everything has started to break, my phone broke a couple of weeks ago and still isn’t fixed, my car every time I go into it I am praying to the car gods that it makes it to the destination. My patio door that needs replacing and the windows need doing but the landlord will only do the absolute necessary, the garden is just falling apart and I just felt deflated, like there’s too much to do and I can’t do it. I guess that’s a huge factor on my mind but hey ho it’s nothing that no one else doesn’t have to handle.
Today I went for an afternoon tea with my mum it was a rare treat and it was just what we both needed. Dad had BBG and did the school run. It was lovely and took a huge grumpy lump off of my chest.
Then I got home and found out that MO had a massive meltdown at school today. It started when a teacher who doesn’t really know him told him to throw away the bug he had found. Now MO makes friends with bugs quickly, he gets extremely attached so being told to throw his bug away to him was the end of the world. He then was on edge all afternoon. Then came the incident, something happened and MO went mad, his back hunched, fists clenched, feet stamped and within a blink of an eye chairs and tables were being thrown, they managed to calm him down and distract him after a while but it just kicked me down.
I get that autism is no ones fault, I understand Mo reacts differently to situations and doesn’t realise what his doing isn’t socially right, but when the meeting this week was telling us how he seems to be able to recognise that he is getting frustrated and use the calm down area well, to find out how fast he went into full on meltdown just made me think will he ever be able to calm himself down no matter what. It made me realise that in the future he could have a meltdown over nothing and people aren’t going to care his autistic he will be sent to jail for assault. I just started to get anxious. I started to realise small things still get to him, that although he can somewhat calm himself down there will be times when he can’t control it. That scares me.
As a parent I just want him happy, comfortable in his surroundings and loved and I am just so scared for his future. I know it’s because I’m having a difficult time at the moment, I know that if I was my usual straight thinking self, then I would realise he will be fine it’s just a bad week but I can’t help it.
I hope this dip stops soon but the depression and anxiety is making me crazy and making me irrational and I don’t like that, I need to be my sons strong rock and support and all I want to do is cuddle him and cry and this isn’t going to help him at all!
My boys you would never know he was autistic
It took dad 5 years to get any physical connection with MO and he still only gets a hand.
BBG seems to be the only person MO is completely relaxed with. He dotes on her.