I’ve seen a lot of letters that are addressed to yourself 10 years ago but I was thinking about the future so I decided I would write a letter to myself in 10 years time!
To 37 year old me,
I am writing this and I don’t know what has happened in this last decade.
I don’t know if BBG has been diagnosed with anything yet, I don’t know if she has walked or spoken her first word yet. I don’t know if she has regressed so much that she now has to be tube feed, or have oxygen to help her breath. I just don’t know. I hope with all my heart she is running around, that she is like any other child her age and I have forgotten about all the heart ache and stress that the unknown is causing at the moment.
I am writing this letter, as today, I was looking at SB’s newborn pictures when he was in Special Care Baby Unit as he was 7 weeks premature. I was just laughing with him at how small he was. That he wee’d all over himself in his first bath.
It got me thinking 4 years ago looking at SB in the incubator, with tubes and heart monitors and all the machines bleeping, I worried about his life. I worried he wouldn’t be ‘normal’ that he would be delayed. Today I look at him and he is just as crazy, just as energetic, just as clever as all his peers. I hope this is the case with BBG, that in 10 years time you will read these blogs, you will look at the pictures and laugh with her at all the crazy tests she had done.
I am also writing to encourage that if the news is bad then you can read this and remember a few things. At the moment I am all over the place, I am laughing one minute and crying the next. Through all of it I am excited at BBGs inch stones. I don’t compare her to other children (well at least I try not to). I love BBG for her, as BBG is perfect at being BBG. Remember in your deepest darkest days BBG is still perfect at being BBG. That she still has the most beautiful smile. Remember not to look at other children and worry about things that they are doing and BBG isn’t. Remember to celebrate BBGs achievements even if they are still inch stones as inch stones are milestones for her.
I hope in 10 years time you are still loving and leaning on Dad, that you are both making time to still be a couple. That your relationship is important and it still needs nurturing, that not everything you talk about is the everyday stresses. That you try to spend a night a week just being with each other and enjoying each other.
BG will have just turned 18! Remember when she screams at you that you are her world. Remember when she used to help with BBG, remember she has had a tough childhood just by being a young carer for her brother and sister. Remember that you are her world. Remember when she was born and the way you would do anything in the world for her, remember this when she is testing the boundaries. Remember she needs you more then she thinks she does.
MO will now be 15. Remember when you were 15 how hard that was. Remember when he was 5 and struggled with class and changes. He still struggles. Remember how it took so long for him to feel comfortable in his own home. Remember how you would spend all night looking up new ways to help him and new therapies. Remember the drive you had. I know after 10 more years of living and breathing making a world a better place for him you will be tired, but make this letter be a boost. As soon as you found out about autism you researched, you adapted and you overcame any obstacle. You decided to be an advocate of autism to help educate people on it. Remember this and keep fighting. Keep fighting until you have reached every ear on the planet that autism exists and it isn’t just the social side, it is everything in their life.
SB will be 14, he will be challenging. Again same as BG remember he is young carer, he is living with 2 siblings with disabilities. Remember all the times he ignores you for technology or his friends, remember he has always been independent. Remember he will always need you to wipe his tears, even if he doesn’t realise. Remember that he will need you more then he will ever know. Remember even now at 4 he drives you up the wall sometimes, but you would give the world and more to make him beam his smile and laugh his loud chuckle.
Just remember you are doing a wonderful job, you are being a perfect mum to your perfect children even if you are tearing out your hair and think that you are doing the worst job in the world.
You are the mum doing her best.
you 10 years younger.
P.S. remember 37 is not old so stop worrying about reaching 40 in a few years. Don’t have a mini breakdown about it like you did when you turned 25, age is nothing remember that.