What many people that have entered my life recently or who aren’t particularly close to me know, is that I have had a very turbulent relationship with food.
I remember in primary school wanting to throw my lunch away, or hiding my lunch so I can chuck it in the bin as young as year 4. By secondary school I just would eat and throw it up.
I could eat my dinner at home and throw it up easily. I would be taken out to eat and I’d throw it up, always suddenly needing the loo into between courses. I could easily go without food, it didn’t bother me. I didn’t want the food. This then progressed to control in wanting to stay as thin as possible. However it didn’t matter to me
When I found out BG was coming one of my first thoughts was ‘shit I’m going to get HUGE’! Instead of rejoicing that my bump was slowly growing I was physically sick with the thought of me growing. My bump wasn’t even big, at 27 weeks I went up to wearing size UK 10 jeans. I was strict on my diet and I left the hospital in my pre pregnancy jeans with a 2 day old baby girl. I didn’t even have that wobble that everyone told me about!
I was determined to breastfeed but my strict diet meant my milk went by week 6.
I carried on this diet and after MO was born I managed to breastfeed him but went down to the smallest I’d been. I’d gone down to only Dad knew how my eating was going and we kept it to ourselves, by now I knew how to dress so people didn’t ask questions and knew how to discreetly not to eat or throw up without people realising.
I never realised it was an issue, I hated my body but everyone hated their body. I only gained weight to fit into my wedding dress and after my wedding we found out about SB.
I still didn’t gain weight during my pregnancy but when SB was born prematurely I suddenly didn’t care about food. I didn’t care about the size I was all I cared about was my baby. I went up to a size 16 and didn’t care. I didn’t have the saggy tummy, I was just big all over. Then when SB got to 18 months something switched and in 3 weeks I was down to a size 12.
Within 6 months I was steadily relaxing my eating again and gradually got bigger and bigger. I then found out I was having BBG and I just enjoyed eating kebabs, Indians and take away pizza. I just didn’t care.
BBG is now 1 and I am the biggest I’ve ever been. Would I like to loose weight? Of course! However I am petrified that if I loose weight my milk will go like it did with BG. With BBG struggling with solids and still only able to breastfeed not bottle feed this is a big issue for me.
I now have the stretched skin sag and this is a massive issue for me. People say to wear the sag with pride but I hate it. I know deep down I can loose weight quickly or gradually and so I am in control but the sag, the stretched skin is never going. I know there are exercises out that can get rid of the sag to a degree but it will never be gone fully, that frightens me and makes me burst into tears a lot.
I know I should be proud of my stretched skin and my stretched marks, and I am to a degree but that doesn’t mean I have to like having them, that doesn’t mean I can’t be frustrated and not being able to get a tummy tuck and it doesn’t mean I should feel guilty about not wanting sag on my body.
I am so happy that my body grew 4 amazing babies, I am so proud that my body shows that I carried 4 kids but I now want my sag gone.
My eating is about control and this sag is something I can’t control and this is something I just don’t know how to feel.
I guess this post is just somehow telling the world yes I maybe big now but that doesn’t stop the eating disorder at all. I still get pushed to eat by my husband, as he gently reminds me BBG needs my milk and that if I don’t eat BBG doesn’t eat. I maybe ok about my weight but this disorder has started to move towards other things. That eating disorders don’t just disappear, that it Is more than being skinny. That you don’t just get over them.
I thought I was ok, that I was ‘cured’ but then I realised I am better but not ‘cured’ and that is a scary situation to be in. That I don’t know when or if I will ever not have to be promted to eat, even when I’m a plus size. That I will never have a healthy relationship with food. That due to this fact, I am now having to book my daughter a drs appointment as she has begun the same food issues as me and I feel immense guilt at this.
That’s the honest truth about my internal war at the moment.