I’m struggling, help

Today I decided while the kids were at school, BBG was having a nap and Dad was busy doing allotment things I would take a 5 minute peaceful toilet break with no interruptions! It was bliss! I came back and cried however, as had missed a phone call from an NHS scheme called Short Breaks.

I don’t know if I was crying from exhaustion from an extremely hard half term week, from the fact I was even getting a call from them or just simply from everything seeming to go wrong; that my phone call I needed to have I missed.

This half term was meant to be smooth. We had learnt from previous experiences. We knew which sort of holiday clubs MO liked, we knew which sort of holiday clubs calmed MO and which ones make him anxious.

We know that holiday clubs are something all the family need.

We found a brilliant holiday club at the local high school. We chose to put the boys into football on the Wednesday and Lego club on the Thursday. BG did gymnastics and art club. All was set for the children to have a wonderful couple of days.

All I know is that they all had a wonderful time. BUT MO did have a major meltdown, and apparently BG was called to calm him down. Bless her we were told how she talked to him quietly and softly, how she told him to just concentrate on her and how she managed to calm the whole situation down. I was so proud of her.

We don’t know what the meltdown was for. All we know is that BG is more than just a fantastic big sister she is also a fantastic carer for her brother.

On days where there was no holiday club, parenting MO was challenging. He has been challenging for a few weeks now. He just couldn’t calm himself down, he was on edge the whole holiday and by the end it resulted in MO giving me a head butt. I’m lucky I don’t bruise easily as I would have got a black eye.

He has been so difficult and I know it isn’t his fault. I know he can’t help it, I know it’s autism and because of the autism he reacts differently to what would be socially acceptable.

MOs unpredictability has got so bad BG has gone to my parents for a week to get away from the stress, as he has hurt her one too many times, she is exhausted by it all as well. The way she is dealing with the stress is not eating and this is something I can’t have! She shouldn’t have to worry about whether her brother is going to attack her, she shouldn’t have to worry about knowing how to calm him if he is having a meltdown. She should be stress free!

It was hard to admit we need help, it was hard to say, “we struggle”. He is our son, we love him with all our hearts and we are struggling. Whether it be just help with supporting us emotionally, physically coming over and helping or just having people help you out strategies into place at school and at home, we just need the help.

I have had 2 moments in my parenting life I wish to never experience again;

  • hearing the words about BBGs life expectancy
  • admitting I need help with my son.

Thankfully there is a lot of help in my area, thankfully I now have teams of people coming to help and to evaluate and discuss plans and techniques to help my son, his siblings and us. We just want everyone in our household to feel loved and comfortable in their own home. Now we are having some help from professionals I know we can do this! My boy will be comfortable and his siblings won’t be in fear of the next time he hits out, as he is the most beautifully loving boy I know.

This post I don’t know whether people will feel the same as me or feel that I shouldn’t feel like this and to be honest I don’t really care for the trolls. I just know I started the blog to be honest, and so people who read it can know their not the only ones feeling like that.


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