Parenting is so hard!
Everyone always says it is, but they give you the silver lining, rose tinted glasses version of parenting. The “your baby will poo so much it explodes everywhere but they smile and make it also seem to disappear”. Or they will talk about the toddler tantrums and then by the end of the sentence say that their child is their best friend.
This last month or so I’ve been lost.
I’ve not known where to look and I’ve forgotten who I am. I’ve forgotten what I like to do other than being a Mum or a wife.
I’ve lost myself.
I got so lost in being called x’s mum or dads wife I forgot my own name. I felt void, I felt empty and very very alone. The whole room was filled with noise and laughter and I was just sitting doing the actions.
I still don’t know who I am, I still feel lost, empty and alone and yet I also am starting to understand that my kids are my identity. My identity has started to change and although this is amazing and something I love it is also something I’m struggling with.
I’m struggling with the what ifs, I’m struggling with the fact I’m 28 and I’ve been married since I’ve been 21 while most of my friends are still free and are travelling or are living their life to the max. While I’m sitting at home with my beautiful family. Neither life is wrong and both lives are living to the max just in different ways.
I don’t regret the path I chose, I don’t regret my children. I love my children and I love my lifestyle but I do think what if. I think it’s where my life is not how it should be. I have a daughter, who although is reaching milestones I could have only dreamed of, she still has special needs. As much as I love my son, him being autistic is extremely hard, sometimes for me but everyday for him.
I feel awful even writing this blog but at the moment I am all over the place in my emotions and I know I can’t be the only mum screaming internally while making sure she is kept together on the outside. I know some parents will completely nod and agree with this post and others will completely not understand. I always said this blog will be honest and I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t say I’m struggling at the moment. So for all you mums nodding along we can do this! And for the mums not understanding there may come a day where you fill like this, remember this post and remember you aren’t alone.