When all your strength has disappeared

This last month or so has been crazy.

We’ve had the summer holidays which I am sure most of you will agree with me saying, that although I love seeing my kids and being with my kids for the 6 weeks, they need routine and school. Just everything goes a little off the wall regarding everything, especially when I am sorting out how to co parent with the my ex.

I am just struggling.

We went to GOSH this week, and I thought we were going to have a conversation where they say they have done everything and just to come back once a year. That wasn’t the case.

We haven’t got a diagnosis but we have so many things to consider moving forward. We are seeing a couple more teams before going back to see BBGs main consultant in a couple of months. Apparently her blood levels are all over the place and so is pointing towards a condition which I honestly don’t know how to deal with it.

I’ve known my girl isn’t well, that she has an unknown disability, but I’ve always just got on with it, I’ve always just got on with being the strong one, I’ve always been there with a smile on my face just going to appointments. Yet this weeks appointment just made me realise that my girl isn’t going to have the easy life she deserves. It’s made me realise how much stuff is on my shoulders.

I’m just struggling a lot. Struggling to keep my head up. I put on this brace face and yet deep down I am crumbling and at the moment I am crumbling faster then I can put myself back together. I know I shouldn’t be like this, I know I’m meant to be strong and fine but I’m not.

I guess all I want is someone to wrap their arms around me and just let me cry and rant and hit out at the world that my daughter isn’t well. Someone who isn’t close to the situation so won’t cry or get emotional as then I’d feel like I need to hold them and say everything’s going to be ok.

For once I don’t want to be the strong one, I don’t want to be the one who smiles. I need to cry and I need someone else to be strong for me.

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